What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
