I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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