Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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