Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
