Swine flu. Run for my life!
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
