The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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