Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
