U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
