ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
