I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
