Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
