Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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