my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
