Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
