...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
