were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
