My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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