he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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