I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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