Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
