Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
