Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
