Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
