Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nicole vs. Life
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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