You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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