all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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