you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
