How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
