I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
