Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
