i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
