i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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