Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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