Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Did you pee in the oven last night??
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
