I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
