he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
