i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
