I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
