Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
