Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
