i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
