So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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