why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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