what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
