Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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