youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
