It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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