just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
