i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
