another moral hangover. fuck.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
