i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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