I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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